Yeasty Goodness.

So I went to see the doctor today.

The diagnosis? I have a systemic yeast infection.

Yeah, you heard me. That thing that chicks get in their hoo-hoos? I have in my entire fucking system. It rocks so fucking hard to be me. This was discovered through the urinalysis. I had protein, bacteria and white blood cells happening in there. All of which should not be in there.

How did I get that? No idea. It's a good possibility that when I had a sinus infection in May (MAY!) and took an antibiotic, that it started then. The thing about antibiotics is that they kill all the good flora in your system. Any yeast that might creep in there in the meantime? When your system is rebuilding all it's bugs? That yeast will multiply like a mad motherfucker, and take over. If there's room for it to grow, it'll keep growing and growing and growing and growing.

So how to fix that? Eighty seven thousand different pills and an anti-yeast diet.

The pills: An antibiotic (azithromycin) to kill everything. While I'm taking the antibiotic, I'll also be taking an anti-fungal (nystatin) , to kill the yeast that's left behind.

After a couple of days (which, naturally, lands me on the Hack/Slash reunion thing) I'll experience a "die-off" reaction. What this is, is that the nystatin will have really kicked in and will have killed off all the yeast. So I'll have all this dead yeast floating around in my system. My body will freak out at this and throw me into flulike symptoms for a day or two.

Also, I'll be taking phytofuge which, because this yeast is not regular old candida, no, it's got this hyphal growth shit going on, meaning it's building like, tree roots into my intestings, so this phytofuge crap will destroy the hyphae.

Also, also, I'll be taking a cranberry extract which will help with urinary tract function and kidney health.

So, after five days, the antibiotic and nystatin will be finished and I'll start up with probiotics to introduce healthy flora back into my system. I'll be continuing on with the cranberry and phytofuge (I think the phytofuge anyway. I can't rememeber, really. I'll have to call and ask). In addition to that, I'll be taking a supplement and this crazy russian e. coli that's shipped in on ice. Basically it comes in a little vial that you add water to and then slam. E. coli! It's so screwed up.

So them's the pills. The part that sucks? The part that reduced me to tears in the grocery store? The diet. To keep the yeast from breeding I'm not allowed to have:

• sugar - all forms


• alcoholic beverages


• fruit juices


• dried fruits


• refined flours


• breads


• baked goods


• vinegar


• pickled vegetables


• cheese


• mushrooms

Fruit is pretty much out, too, due to the large amount of simple sugars. Everything else is pretty much ok. Oops, I take that back. In addition to that? I've got a screwed up thyroid remember? Yeah.

Basically the thyroid works like this: the pituitary controls the thyroid. The thyroid spits out thyroid hormone. The thyroid hormone is called, in its inactive form, T4. T4 turns into active thyroid hormone, in the form of Free T3 and Reverse T3.

Well. My pituitary gland is working overtime to nudge my thyroid gland to produce enough T4 to generate enough Free T3. The problem? I'm producing astronomical amounts of Reverse T3 which nullifies the Free T3. So more or less, I've got hypothyroidism. How do I go about reducing the amount of Reverse T3? Diet. No gluten, no casein.

Damn near everything I eat is either pasta, bread, or dairy.

PASTA, BREAD, OR DAIRY.

So I'm pretty much fucked. I tried to go grocery shopping tonight and of everything I touched, 95% of it had to go back on the shelf because it had corn syrup. Or vinegar. Or gluten. Or all three. The doctor tells me, "Salad. You can eat a lot of salad."

THERE ARE NO SALAD DRESSINGS THAT HAVE NEITHER VINEGAR NOR CORN SYRUP.

No, I'm serious. I looked at the labels of no less than seven salad dressings. Most had both. So the lettuce went back on the shelf.

It was so fucking frustrating. So fucking tear-inducing frustrating. I'm not kidding when I say that near everything I eat is pasta, bread, or dairy. And fruit. I eat a lot of fruit. Can't have any of those things. The only saving grace is that chocolate flavored rice milk is totally within the constraints of this diet.

As far as I know, the gluten/casein thing is for the rest of my life. I don't know how I'm going to manage. This sucks so hardcore that I can't even put it into words. I hate that I'm going to have to specially prepare everything I eat for the next month. There is like, no processed food that doesn't contain at least one, if not more, of no-no items. I'm so angry.

Anyway, I'm not dying, so I guess that's something.